right now, it’s really feeling like i just need to ring in the new year someplace else, away from my family ( the family i live with ). i do not want to spend new years eve angry and upset.
it takes a major holiday likes christmas to make us all get along. new years just isn’t high up enough on that scale or something. i want peace, i want to surround myself with people who make me feel happy, or even just complete strangers.
secretly, i look forward to all my future christmases ( even though it must be bad luck in some way to just assume that there will be ), and love that each one passed has always been somehow different, be it good or bad.
- travel ( a lot )
- learn the cyrillic alphabet
- learn to speak basic russian, french ( 1 year of it being taught by a tyrannous bitch did nothing for me ), spanish and hindi
- learn at least some of the whistling language that’s still spoken in the turkish highlands
- work in a bakery
- open my own bakery/bookshop
- work in a pet store
- see the aurora borealis
- learn hindi dance ( there are a whole lot of different types )
- learn to bellydance
- publish a cookbook
- learn to tap dance
- join a roller derby team
- invent something really, really useful
- learn to herd sheep
- get a job driving a horse carriage in a large city
- sell mexican food out of a truck
- go on a “gorgeous libraries of the world” tour
- join a burlesque troupe ( more satire and tease, less of the stripping aspect )
- hop trains
- get better at polynesian/tahitian/hula dancing
- get better at ballroom dancing
- get better at sewing
- be a substitute teacher
- learn some magic tricks
- be a contortionist
- go dog sledding
- learn to walk on stilts
- be in some plays
- join an improv troupe
- be a live-in nanny
- improve on my impersonations and use them more often
- rehabilitate a fox and release it back into the wild
- learn to fence
- sing for people
- make music and perform it for people
- ride a camel
- learn to walk on my hands
- be a voice actress
- learn to spin poi ( and eventually be able to spin them while they’re on fire )
- learn the art of falconry
- get better at surfing
- join a small musical group
- learn to ice-skate
- win a sharp-shooting contest ( i was really good when i was a kid )
- go christmas caroling ( again, the last time i went, i was 6 )
- build a treehouse
if anyone has any information on or suggestions in achieving any of these goals or would like to help me out or even pursue them together, i’d love to know.
there’s probably more, but that’s all i can think of off the top of my head. thinking about all of it makes me so happy, but trying to figure out how i’m going to do it all ( especially since i can’t even seem to get over this driving hurdle ) kinda just makes me sad as hell.
whenever i feel stuck or irritated, i tend to make “fantasy-plans” ( i’ll plan out living in someplace i’ve always wanted to live –sounds stupid, i know .. shut up! ) or just do things that will make me feel better. i’ll read about train hopping or look at the classifieds and the flats for rent in edinburg, or i’ll bake something or i’ll sit in the living room and color with my 4 year-old cousin ( who likes when i let him color the main focus of the page while i just draw silly things in the background ). today was no different. i did many of these things, only i also looked at ads for live-in nannies on craigslist.
first off, i’m well aware that some of these people could very well be some weirdo just trying to get somebody to their house. i’m aware of the precautions i should take. i’m aware, i’m aware, i’m aware, so just listen.
i found an ad requesting a live-in nanny for a single mother and her eight-year old son in chicago ( downers grove, a really nice part of the city ), illinois. the woman is offering free room and board in return for getting her son on the bus in the morning at 8 and being home by 2:30 to help him with homework, fix dinner and just interact with ihm and keep him company until she gets home. the job also includes keeping the house clean. the room she’s offering is a furnished basement with a full bathroom, television ( no cable, although there’s calbe upstairs ) and the home has wireless internet. it also includes access to what is upstairs ( oven, dishwasher, fridge, etc ). there is also the option for me to go to school or have a part-time job in order to earn money for other stuff ( like heroin –i kid! ).
i don’t think it’s likely that i’d get the job, considering my age, i don’t drive ( although there’s a bus and underground transportation system and some families in areas like that don’t require you to drive ) and the fact that i’d be re-locating there, but i was upfront about all that and figure it’s worth a shot. just trying for this has made me feel better about the fact that every measley-ass job i’ve applied for around here has not hired me ( because nobody is hiring ). don’t get me wrong though, this is serious. on the off chance that i get a positive reply, it’s likely that i’ll be bound for chicago.
hey, it’s better than waitressing at platinum plus ( which is actually the only place hiring — my mother seriously looked into it today ).
has been the most draining, frustrating day i’ve had all week ( excluding the fifteen minutes or so i spent at work getting my paycheck and talking to co-workers and the time i spent at a dance lesson. all that was more peace than i’ve had all week, and throughout both, i think i managed to seem like a mostly happy and well-adjsuted person, i hope ), and this entire week hasn’t been too swell either. i’ve pretty much just felt like shouting, and i’ve more or less done that. only it doesn’t make me feel better. sure, i don’t feel as angry, but i still feel tired and sad. personally, i’d rather be angry. afterall, you can do constructive things with anger, like join a rollerderby team ( uh, which i’ve actually looked into ).
the only thing that kept me from packing a bag and leaving ( where to, i wasn’t really sure .. ) today was that my mother wasn’t going to let me use any of “her” suitcases or backpacks ( which were in my room –but apparently i own nothing ) to pack my things and we’re out of trashbags. i was too exhausted from yelling over her yelling to even think about just using a pillowcase.
the sooner i can leave here, the better ( BUT WHEN, I SAY? WHENNN? ). although i know that we all love eachother deep down ( for now ), it’s mostly a house full of people who are fundamentally unhappy, and we spend a fair part of everyday making eachother miserable in some way, shape or form, be it intended, subtle, subconcious or not. i’m not any better either, and i get the feeling that if i don’t get out of this mess, i’m going to end up a terrible person. worse than i am now.
sometimes i think that if i just had another brain instead of a vagina, i would make far better decisions ( and probably be going to a four-year college instead of waiting tables ). basically, my problem goes like this ..
brain: “hey! find someone else, you rabble-rouser! don’t make me come down there! and you! don’t you dare start to fancy him! he lives hundreds of miles away! i’ll make you hallucinate bees everywhere if you don’t straighten up and fly right!”
vagina: “but i’m bored! and i never have anyone to talk to except you, her and the lungs!”
me: “…. -terrified of bees-”
lungs: “heeeey, is it hot in here or is it just you three? heh heh ..”
-cue laugh track-
get it? because the average human body temperature is 98.2°?
i don’t really know why my lungs are throwing pick-up lines at me, my brain and my vagina.
seriously though, advice would be helpful, or maybe a concussion of sorts.
reading to kids. seriously, it’s alot of fun.
i spent the better part of today reading some of my books ( the phantom tollbooth, inkheart, custard and company: poems by ogden nash ) to my four-year-old cousin. he saw me reading inkheart, and asked if i would read some of it aloud to him and this just went on from there. i’m not entirely sure what of it he understood ( although he seemed to like the poems alot ), but he seemed geniunely interested, asked me questions about the stories and didn’t fall asleep until i’d been reading for close to two hours.
for some reason, kids have always had this weird curiosity about me, desptie my otherwise amibvalent demeanor towards them. i can completely ignore them, but for some reason, they gravitate to me like i’m some bug lamp smothered in peanut butter and crumbled oreos. michael jackson keeps asking me how i do it and what’s my secret, but i honestly have no idea. when it comes to children, i just have no idea what activities they like. speaking to them like adults, like equal human beings is about all i know how to do. and while they aren’t really responsive to this, most aren’t bored by it either. they just stick around.
this reading business hasn’t really awoken some deeply buried maternal instinct ( i still don’t want kids until i’m done with everything else i want to do –having kids is like the retiring before i retire ), but i have finally found something i can do in the presence of children aside from stand there awkwardly and ask them what their favorite animal is or what they think about the outcome of the recent election. now i can also read to them, and that is alot easier than talking sometimes.
¿infracción de copyright posible?
bonito!
