i’m trying to understand, really, i am ..

but stop letting your problems stagnate. stop stating and act, even if you don’t know if what you’re doing will work. at least imagine what you could do to change your life. maybe i’m biased. obviously not everyone thinks the way i do, but life would be alot easier now if more people would just try –or even illude themselves into thinking that they’re trying. so that they feel better about themselves regardless. half-ass it, all that matters to me is your happiness, it doesn’t matter if it’s meaningful or sensible or practical to other people.

so be angry about whatever it is that you think you shouldn’t be angry about, take your time figuring out what you want to do in school. it doesn’t have to makes sense. i don’t care. i like you.

then again, maybe i’m missing the entire point. it happens.

new biz for worrywort

• i was officially accepted to harrington this week. all i’ve got to do now is get this student loan ( ohgodohgodohgod ), apply for housing by the 27th and sign up for classes sometime in august. this has all been ridiculously new to me and stressful as hell. i can only hope it’ll get easier. my first class is in september and i want to see everyone i possibly can before i go. 
• leaving for chicago this friday for the student weekend. beth may be going. we’re stopping to see tumbleweed at his school in indiana on the way. i’m a giddy little woman.
• been practicing poi and began attending circus practice again. i hope to learn some skills ( poi, fire-fans, hooping, fire-eating, stilt-walking ) that i can take with me to chicago and … silly and unrealistic as it may sound, make money by performing while i’m looking for an actual part-time job. this wednesday, i’m going to a fire-eating workshop and maybe this summer, the fella in running the whole outfit will have a burlesque troupe put together. woo!
• since i’ve become semi-spoken for, er .. gentlemen callers … have been coming out of the goddamn woodwork it would seem. the reasoning behind this is beyond my understanding. i reckon god just hates me and, although i’m rather happy and comfortable in one aspect of my life, still figures he should make another aspect perpetually awkward. fuck him though, i can take it. awkward is my middle name, bub.
• i’m worried about several things …. still. i can’t help it. like, for instance, having the common sense it takes to live on my own, especially in a large city. and i’m terrified that i will not be smart enough to handle college. seriously people. i’m not .. stupid, i guess, but i didn’t go a year of high school without failing at least one class. that includes my senior year. i took the class over that summer. my academic work ethic is sorry as hell, i procrastinate, i’m easily frustrated and i haven’t written any sort of paper or essay since the beginning on senior year ( and even then, i bullshitted the whole thing ) or done any sort of complicated math. i feel like i’m in over my head and i have no idea how i’ve let myself get this far without completely losing my shit and backing out.

things i need for chicago

rape whistle
knife concealed in a lipstick tube
knifepen
pepperspray ( check! )
this

alright, i’m freaking myself out.
i should just bulk up and start walking on stilts everywhere.

in other news, i’m finally pretty content with one aspect of my life. it just lives really far away at the moment, but i think i can manage.