well, it’s about time!

i’m writing again. i can’t explain why. the only possible explanation is that i’m no longer in any sort of .. er, relationship? if you wanna call it that way. anyhoo, i’m happy that i can at least do things like this.

it is a waltz

you have no use for
people tangling your lonely arms
arou
around
nd themselves you sigh
a mysteriolust body
or just food for wolves
1 2 3 between my two eyes

gi gi

you shimmered like
a fish always
poisoning the air in front
of our faces and i
should have thrown you back

you may be strong, even ancient
i think, breathing underwater
but every glittering scale
is an island
that you lose yourself on

ring ring, ring ring

that bird you find dead
in the heather when
the telephone is ringing
and with your feathers
you think she will finally fly

skinning

are you really
real bad news
spinning softly waiting
for a spill, for the thrill
and am i waiting
softly spinning
while you’re grinning
at the kill

constructive ciritcism is always welcome. as for everything else, i’ve got another game plan. i’m leaving on the 22nd to go to savannah until late october to work 7 days a week on an army base, to make money for a car. i know the car, i feel safe in it. i just have to get it, take driving lessons, and get my license. then i’m going to apply at johnson & wales college in charlotte for their baking and pastry arts program. i may feel lost at times, but at least having a battleplan of sorts makes up for alot of it.

and to hell with romance. i realized recently that i am actually capable of not trusting someone ( whereas i’m usually pretty gullible ). of course, this person, while wonderful had questionable intentions, and as much as i wish things with us were different ( you seriously have no idea ), a friend of mine once said something like, “wish in one hand, fuck someone in another … eitherway, you’re getting aids.” now  i don’t know exactly what that means, but it makes me laugh everytime i think about it.

the list

- travel ( a lot )
- learn the cyrillic alphabet
- learn to speak basic russian, french ( 1 year of it being taught by a tyrannous bitch did nothing for me ), spanish and hindi
- learn at least some of the whistling language that’s still spoken in the turkish highlands
- work in a bakery
- open my own bakery/bookshop
- work in a pet store
- see the aurora borealis
- learn hindi dance ( there are a whole lot of different types )
- learn to bellydance
- publish a cookbook
- learn to tap dance
- join a roller derby team
- invent something really, really useful
- learn to herd sheep
- get a job driving a horse carriage in a large city
- sell mexican food out of a truck
- go on a “gorgeous libraries of the world” tour
- join a burlesque troupe ( more satire and tease, less of the stripping aspect )
- hop trains
- get better at polynesian/tahitian/hula dancing
- get better at ballroom dancing
- get better at sewing
- be a substitute teacher
- learn some magic tricks
- be a contortionist
- go dog sledding
- learn to walk on stilts
- be in some plays
- join an improv troupe
- be a live-in nanny
- improve on my impersonations and use them more often
- rehabilitate a fox and release it back into the wild
- learn to fence
- sing for people
- make music and perform it for people
- ride a camel
- learn to walk on my hands
- be a voice actress
- learn to spin poi ( and eventually be able to spin them while they’re on fire )
- learn the art of falconry
- get better at surfing
- join a small musical group
- learn to ice-skate
- win a sharp-shooting contest ( i was really good when i was a kid )
- go christmas caroling ( again, the last time i went, i was 6 )
- build a treehouse

if anyone has any information on or suggestions in achieving any of these goals or would like to help me out or even pursue them together, i’d love to know.

there’s probably more, but that’s all i can think of off the top of my head. thinking about all of it makes me so happy, but trying to figure out how i’m going to do it all ( especially since i can’t even seem to get over this driving hurdle ) kinda just makes me sad as hell.

legohead

far scarier than pumpkinhead, especially when it’s your own head that is the lego in question.

i have been sick recently ( since saturday ). nothing major, no fever. just sinus issues with sore throat and fatigue. major fatigue ( i almost passed out going to the mailbox ), but big deal. i’m not going to die. i’ve just felt really bad for two or three days.

when i get sick though, it always seems as if the floodgates suddenly break and my dreams get weird as hell.

it seemed average at first. in my dream i was sitting in my front yard when my cellphone rang. i picked it up out of the grass, flipped it open and started to say hello. before i could though, my head fell off.

i repeat: my head fell off.

now, sure, it’s a dream, but abrupt decapitation without reason is always going to freak you out. it doesn’t matter how sick you are, how many drops of acid you’ve done that evening or how many mushrooms you’ve scraped from under a pile of cow shit ( or is it horse shit? one makes you loopy and the other kills you ).

that’s not even the creepiest part though. when my head just popped off, like it was a grape at the mercy of some giant, there wasn’t any blood or guts. no candy ( although that may’ve made me feel better ) either. instead, it was like two legos being plucked apart.

three things i desperately want to know.
1. who was calling me? just so i know to never, ever answer my cellphone if they call
2. what the hell does this say about my subconcious?
3. could this possibly be stranger than the dream i had about my friend sean and neil patrick harris sending me on a scavenger hunt so that i could make neil a weird, elvis-esque get-up out of burlaps sacks and animal hides?