small news ( circus? radiology? massachusetts? dance studio? bakery? )

firstly, it shoudl be noted that one of my favorite awful movies of all time was on today. mannequin, circa 1987. no idea what i’m talking about? just mosey on over to youtube and watch the trailer. i recorded it, for the purpose of viewing whenever i please.  what’s wrong with me? i don’t know.

secondly, on the job front, there are many opportunities to speak of, but few seem to be moving past just that. there’s the 8 month stint with the circus for $225 a week, baristering at coffee crema in the haywood mall, radiology assistance at greenville memorial, working the sales counter as strossner’s for their sexist overlord ( but oh, does it smell good there ), being trained by fred astaire dance studio people to be an instructor ( sounds tempting, but i’m afraid i’d start and find they were wasting their time actually trying to teach me a skill … then i’d feel bad ) or moving somewhere that has yet to be determined with my father and striking up a new life there. so long as they’ve got a fairly large public transit system wherever that is, i’m game.

once i’ve saved up a substantial amount of money, i’m hoping to pack myself and my cat pu and move myself up to newton, massachusetts. it’s nice there. look it up, why don’t you.

also, happy valentine’s day. i love eating those little chalky hearts and ignoring the fact that i have not had anything even remotely close to a boyfriend ( i wish i liked that term as much as i adore “lady friend” ) in four years. fuck it though. it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. until then, i’m just going to lust after conan o’brien and a male version of kim deal that probably doesn’t exist and keep putting myself out there, time after time, no matter the results, until something really wonderful happens.

right now, i may or may not be rather keen on a certain tumbleweed, even though the circumstances point to no.

but in the infamous and shrill words of paul sedaris, “fuck it. that shit don’t mean fuck to me.”

wish, granted

i spent the last bit of the old year and the first minutes of the new year driving a monster(ous) truck around the lowe’s parking lot in easley while shouting “THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING MOMENT OF MY LIFE”, but sort of enjoying myself, then went back to pickens where i watched movies at my dad’s house, sang what i knew of “auld lang syne” to my dog outside while i took out the garbage and read in bed up until right now.

hallelujah

secretly, i look forward to all my future christmases ( even though it must be bad luck in some way to just assume that there will be ), and love that each one passed has always been somehow different, be it good or bad.

this christmas, i would like to attend midnight mass.

it’s something i’ve always wanted to do, but have somehow never been able to. there is, of course, my slight apprehension about going alone for the first time. i have never even been in a catholic church and would not know what to do and what not to do. ideally, i would just like to slip in unnoticed and sit quietly the entire time. i doubt i would take communion, i just want to be there.

unfortunately, my only semi-close catholic friend lives hours and hours away. so, the trouble is finding someone who:

• isn’t particularly busy on christmas eve ( be it with family parties, etc. etc. )
• also wants to sit someplace completely unfamiliar through something they may or may not know anything about
• can at least vaguely appreciate the service, even just asthetically. i’m not necessarily there for some divine re-awakening either.

whenever i bring it up to people, most shy away ( with some, you’d think i was suggesting a three-way ) or don’t really seem as enthused about the idea as i am.

now, granted, i’m not as well-versed in the catholicism ( or all religions ) as i’d like to be, the overall subject has never ceased to interest me. what i do know, i’ve read from textbooks, seen in documentaries and have been told by other people. i have yet to dedicate myself to reading any sort of sacred text, but that doesn’t mean my curiosity is waning. my general attitude towards religion in general is difficult for me to explain, even to myself. the term ‘agnostic’ is a godsend ( pun not intended ), simply because i can’t entirely consider myself an athiest, but i can’t commit to any sort of faith either. i’m on the fence, and i just want to feel the peace i think can come from sitting in a dimly-lit catholic church on christmas eve, through the purported hour of christ’s birth, etc. etc. this is my holiday wish.