i don’t, i don’t

je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon

GODDAMN IT.

 

well, it’s about time!

i’m writing again. i can’t explain why. the only possible explanation is that i’m no longer in any sort of .. er, relationship? if you wanna call it that way. anyhoo, i’m happy that i can at least do things like this.

it is a waltz

you have no use for
people tangling your lonely arms
arou
around
nd themselves you sigh
a mysteriolust body
or just food for wolves
1 2 3 between my two eyes

gi gi

you shimmered like
a fish always
poisoning the air in front
of our faces and i
should have thrown you back

you may be strong, even ancient
i think, breathing underwater
but every glittering scale
is an island
that you lose yourself on

ring ring, ring ring

that bird you find dead
in the heather when
the telephone is ringing
and with your feathers
you think she will finally fly

skinning

are you really
real bad news
spinning softly waiting
for a spill, for the thrill
and am i waiting
softly spinning
while you’re grinning
at the kill

constructive ciritcism is always welcome. as for everything else, i’ve got another game plan. i’m leaving on the 22nd to go to savannah until late october to work 7 days a week on an army base, to make money for a car. i know the car, i feel safe in it. i just have to get it, take driving lessons, and get my license. then i’m going to apply at johnson & wales college in charlotte for their baking and pastry arts program. i may feel lost at times, but at least having a battleplan of sorts makes up for alot of it.

and to hell with romance. i realized recently that i am actually capable of not trusting someone ( whereas i’m usually pretty gullible ). of course, this person, while wonderful had questionable intentions, and as much as i wish things with us were different ( you seriously have no idea ), a friend of mine once said something like, “wish in one hand, fuck someone in another … eitherway, you’re getting aids.” now  i don’t know exactly what that means, but it makes me laugh everytime i think about it.

i won’t admit defeat!

.. even though this whole distance thing is alot tougher than i initially thought it would be. not to mention, i’m usually the first person to cut-and-run in a relationship when things get difficult. then again, there are small, shining moments where i find myself thinking, “hey, this can work,” and that has never happened in the past.

in other news, i am currently working at luna rosa. drop by and see me sometime. i’ll be in the kitchen, making paninis, shouting, being tricked into drinking copious amounts of limoncello ( tastes just like lemonheads and straight vodka ) and being called “jynx” by my boss. i  love working for italians. tried getting a second job telemarketing for the peace center in the evenings, but i don’t think that worked out ( siad they’d call by friday at 4, no call ). pity, because i hate being at my house, unless i’m there to sleep or read. so, if anyone needs a petite, live-in housekeeper ( i cook, i clean, i tell jokes, and can fit into tight spaces! ) until mid-august, give me a call. i don’t take up much space.

i’m trying to understand, really, i am ..

but stop letting your problems stagnate. stop stating and act, even if you don’t know if what you’re doing will work. at least imagine what you could do to change your life. maybe i’m biased. obviously not everyone thinks the way i do, but life would be alot easier now if more people would just try –or even illude themselves into thinking that they’re trying. so that they feel better about themselves regardless. half-ass it, all that matters to me is your happiness, it doesn’t matter if it’s meaningful or sensible or practical to other people.

so be angry about whatever it is that you think you shouldn’t be angry about, take your time figuring out what you want to do in school. it doesn’t have to makes sense. i don’t care. i like you.

then again, maybe i’m missing the entire point. it happens.

why am i worried now

did someone make a fool of me
‘fore i could show’em how it’s done?
______

firstly, everyone needs to stop what they’re doing ( except maybe if you’re performing brain surgery –maybe ) and listen to neko case’s new album middle cyclone. that’s all i’ll say. i’m not going to even go into why it’s great because i’m not a critic, just a fan of really wonderful music.

secondly, i’m getting cold feet, about telling someone something ( “i like you. i’m sorry, the circumstances are awful and i’m pretty sure they make it impossible for you to feel the same, but i am awful fond of you. just thought you should know” ). i’ve got the words, more or less, but there’s so much at risk now, i can’t possibly make myself do this. this is tougher than agreeing to give college a try was. i need a skeptical ear, not a friendly friend, to listen and to give me advice.

thirdly, these are art/design colleges i am seriously looking at:

SCAD ( savannah college of art and design )
harrington college of design ( chicago! )
the school of the art institute of chicago

small news ( circus? radiology? massachusetts? dance studio? bakery? )

firstly, it shoudl be noted that one of my favorite awful movies of all time was on today. mannequin, circa 1987. no idea what i’m talking about? just mosey on over to youtube and watch the trailer. i recorded it, for the purpose of viewing whenever i please.  what’s wrong with me? i don’t know.

secondly, on the job front, there are many opportunities to speak of, but few seem to be moving past just that. there’s the 8 month stint with the circus for $225 a week, baristering at coffee crema in the haywood mall, radiology assistance at greenville memorial, working the sales counter as strossner’s for their sexist overlord ( but oh, does it smell good there ), being trained by fred astaire dance studio people to be an instructor ( sounds tempting, but i’m afraid i’d start and find they were wasting their time actually trying to teach me a skill … then i’d feel bad ) or moving somewhere that has yet to be determined with my father and striking up a new life there. so long as they’ve got a fairly large public transit system wherever that is, i’m game.

once i’ve saved up a substantial amount of money, i’m hoping to pack myself and my cat pu and move myself up to newton, massachusetts. it’s nice there. look it up, why don’t you.

also, happy valentine’s day. i love eating those little chalky hearts and ignoring the fact that i have not had anything even remotely close to a boyfriend ( i wish i liked that term as much as i adore “lady friend” ) in four years. fuck it though. it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. until then, i’m just going to lust after conan o’brien and a male version of kim deal that probably doesn’t exist and keep putting myself out there, time after time, no matter the results, until something really wonderful happens.

right now, i may or may not be rather keen on a certain tumbleweed, even though the circumstances point to no.

but in the infamous and shrill words of paul sedaris, “fuck it. that shit don’t mean fuck to me.”

it’s like a sitcom, kind of.

sometimes i think that if i just had another brain instead of a vagina, i would make far better decisions ( and probably be going to a four-year college instead of waiting tables ). basically, my problem goes like this ..

brain: “hey! find someone else, you rabble-rouser! don’t make me come down there! and you! don’t you dare start to fancy him! he lives hundreds of miles away! i’ll make you hallucinate bees everywhere if you don’t straighten up and fly right!”
vagina: “but i’m bored! and i never have anyone to talk to except you, her and the lungs!”
me: “…. -terrified of bees-”
lungs: “heeeey, is it hot in here or is it just you three? heh heh ..”
-cue laugh track-

get it? because the average human body temperature is 98.2°?

i don’t really know why my lungs are throwing pick-up lines at me, my brain and my vagina.
seriously though, advice would be helpful, or maybe a concussion of sorts.