cowboy, cowboy feel

i don’t, i don’t

smallishwoman — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:04:44 +0000

je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon
je ne manque pas le garçon

GODDAMN IT.

ortense

smallishwoman — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:01:21 +0000

snow belly rising
she has traveled
always wrapping her crooked
mouth around an empty day
also known as
the last hurrah

heart-attacks

smallishwoman — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:46:39 +0000

lately i’ve been pretty agitated with the fact that everything i write seems to just sit around on my computer, like lazy, untrained dogs …. cats, basically. so i’ve been toying with the idea of publishing a few of my poems and short stories myself, via xeroxing and stapling little books together and distributing them around the downtown area. sort of like those old men handing out the little bibles, but maybe different. it isn’t something i ever thought i’d do, and i’ll probably only ever do it this time, just to see what happens. it’s all the thrill of releasing an animal into the wild with none of the dangers of it dying as a result.

anyhoo, i wrote this a little while ago ( say, a few months ), and don’t think i ever posted it or anything. reading over it, i’m not sure what i think about it. maybe it could have ended better? figure i’d see the response it gets. critiques, suggestions wanted.

—

Even now, my chest gets tight around you. An arm goes numb and tingles, and although I never remember which, I’m sure it is only ever one arm. Sometimes I even feel nauseous. You’ve given me alot of these small heart-attacks. Kind of like when a kid is in the car with one of their parents driving and suddenly, the parent has to slam on the brakes and they stick an arm out in front of the kid. To save them. The parent could have a full-blown myocardial infarction, but they don’t. Why? Because the child is so accepting of that one gesture. The arm goes out, the heart resumes its normal business. Fatal injuries are prevented, facial reconstructions are avoided. Concussions, brokens noses, lost teeth, broken ribs, punctured septums, collapsed lungs. Head trauma. A child lives, a parent’s heart does not stop, just because they could co-exist so perfectly for a split second. This is only my opinion though.

It was never that you needed saving in particular, and you were not my child. You’ve given me so many heart-attacks like that though, simply because I could never stick my arm out in front of you unless it was a hug to say hello or goodbye or just a hug because you were feeling happy, excited or silly and just felt like one. So, I certainly couldn’t kiss you. I could not hug you from behind or rest my chin on top of your head or ever-so-slightly press the tip of my nose to your neck. Even if it wasn’t because I loved you or might have loved you, even if it was just to save my own little life. I could not mirror your body position with my own close as could be or let my fingertips graze your eyelids or stretch out across your back so that we made an intersection on the floor. I could think up all these interesting, non-sexual-but-still-interesting things to do concerning our bodies, but these always were and still are and probably always will be things that will never happen. I could not stick out my arm to hold you or even to stop you. Instead, everytime the brakes slam, I will just wish that I could reach out, and I will wonder how I have survived so many of these little heart-attacks.

cheer

smallishwoman — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 02:30:22 +0000

if someone’s empty hands
could give your little wild ray
of light a chance to shine
i hear
the one who calls you
back to sleep
would cheer

—

meant to make the reader feel optimistic. like the whole world is inside of that one person who is rooting for you. please let me know if it works.

he finds

smallishwoman — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 05:23:21 +0000

my madman in the grass
with sweetest sighs
finding the delicate things
but he finds me, ever in bloom
____

short and sweet ( i hope? ). i think it’s about loving someone who also loves you back and knowing why they love you and knowing that it’s all true, every bit of it. vice versa. just a nice feeling that everyone should experience at least once, myself included. here’s hoping.

feedback? suggestions? like it, hate it?

well, it’s about time!

smallishwoman — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:36:00 +0000

i’m writing again. i can’t explain why. the only possible explanation is that i’m no longer in any sort of .. er, relationship? if you wanna call it that way. anyhoo, i’m happy that i can at least do things like this.

it is a waltz

you have no use for
people tangling your lonely arms
arou
around
nd themselves you sigh
a mysteriolust body
or just food for wolves
1 2 3 between my two eyes

gi gi

you shimmered like
a fish always
poisoning the air in front
of our faces and i
should have thrown you back

you may be strong, even ancient
i think, breathing underwater
but every glittering scale
is an island
that you lose yourself on

ring ring, ring ring

that bird you find dead
in the heather when
the telephone is ringing
and with your feathers
you think she will finally fly

skinning

are you really
real bad news
spinning softly waiting
for a spill, for the thrill
and am i waiting
softly spinning
while you’re grinning
at the kill

constructive ciritcism is always welcome. as for everything else, i’ve got another game plan. i’m leaving on the 22nd to go to savannah until late october to work 7 days a week on an army base, to make money for a car. i know the car, i feel safe in it. i just have to get it, take driving lessons, and get my license. then i’m going to apply at johnson & wales college in charlotte for their baking and pastry arts program. i may feel lost at times, but at least having a battleplan of sorts makes up for alot of it.

and to hell with romance. i realized recently that i am actually capable of not trusting someone ( whereas i’m usually pretty gullible ). of course, this person, while wonderful had questionable intentions, and as much as i wish things with us were different ( you seriously have no idea ), a friend of mine once said something like, “wish in one hand, fuck someone in another … eitherway, you’re getting aids.” now i don’t know exactly what that means, but it makes me laugh everytime i think about it.

punchline.

smallishwoman — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:18:53 +0000

“i would kill a thousand babies to be able to hug you again. i can’t imagine anything feeling better than that right now … besides killing a thousand babies.”

- alex

—

whatever it is we had for the brief time we had it, it’s come to an end. it did so slowly, a little painfully, awkwardly, and we were both so frustrated for a spell, but it has ultimately ended well, and with a joke. all in all, i couldn’t ask for a better break-up, and when i really step back and look at the situation, i realize that i haven’t even come close to losing a friend.

i won’t admit defeat!

smallishwoman — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:09:01 +0000

.. even though this whole distance thing is alot tougher than i initially thought it would be. not to mention, i’m usually the first person to cut-and-run in a relationship when things get difficult. then again, there are small, shining moments where i find myself thinking, “hey, this can work,” and that has never happened in the past.

in other news, i am currently working at luna rosa. drop by and see me sometime. i’ll be in the kitchen, making paninis, shouting, being tricked into drinking copious amounts of limoncello ( tastes just like lemonheads and straight vodka ) and being called “jynx” by my boss. i love working for italians. tried getting a second job telemarketing for the peace center in the evenings, but i don’t think that worked out ( siad they’d call by friday at 4, no call ). pity, because i hate being at my house, unless i’m there to sleep or read. so, if anyone needs a petite, live-in housekeeper ( i cook, i clean, i tell jokes, and can fit into tight spaces! ) until mid-august, give me a call. i don’t take up much space.

it’s unfortunate

smallishwoman — Wed, 27 May 2009 05:57:00 +0000

that i see so much logic where i should see only selfishness.

what can i do about this?

i’m trying to understand, really, i am ..

smallishwoman — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:49:22 +0000

but stop letting your problems stagnate. stop stating and act, even if you don’t know if what you’re doing will work. at least imagine what you could do to change your life. maybe i’m biased. obviously not everyone thinks the way i do, but life would be alot easier now if more people would just try –or even illude themselves into thinking that they’re trying. so that they feel better about themselves regardless. half-ass it, all that matters to me is your happiness, it doesn’t matter if it’s meaningful or sensible or practical to other people.

so be angry about whatever it is that you think you shouldn’t be angry about, take your time figuring out what you want to do in school. it doesn’t have to makes sense. i don’t care. i like you.

then again, maybe i’m missing the entire point. it happens.